Birthday Card

I was on my last warning from Mrs. Example
Clean up my act, stop being an asshole
Didn't help my debacle
I'd just woken up from an all day, all night, filthy bar crawl

Something quite
(Bait)
About today's date I'd was hard to locate
I'd drunk too much Pernod
Took another swipe with my Mach 3 Turbo
Then it hit me like a raging inferno

I don't believe it I
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She wont be a happy gal
Forgot her bloody birthday card

She's gonna scream and yell
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She'll leave me man, she might as well
Forgot her bloody birthday card

I try to keep things relative
Never give headaches to myself if I can
But I can only think negative
Used to tell her shit like I'd lost my pen
Now there's a chance I'll never see her face again

So I walk a fine line, but it's not the end
See I bought her a voucher for H and M
She can get a new skirt and she'll look the part
And if it don't work, pour out my heart

Look, yeah, I'm going to be completely honest with you
You know I love you, you know I respect you
At the end of the day, a birthday card
It's just a piece of paper isn't it?

In an envelope
Yeah, I know a voucher is a piece of paper too
Yeah, but you can get a skirt with that
Well, you can get shoes then

Wait, nah, that's bullshit
I can't do that
Can't sound like a wanker
(A girly chat)

So I gotta make a dash for the petrol station
'Cause their cards are perfect for any occasion
I drop my razor and splash my
(Boat)
I grab some tracky-d's and a random coat

Then I'm on it with a wallet
And I hit the pavement
I'm running down the street
With my face half shaven

I'm getting stronger and stronger my legs are burning
There's still hope yet, just a couple of turn-in's
See the longer I wander, the more I scream
She gets here at 10 and it's quarter to

I don't believe it I
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She wont be a happy gal
Forgot her bloody birthday card

She's gonna scream and yell
Forgot her bloody birthday card
She'll leave me man, she might as well
Forgot her bloody birthday card

I get to the garage, panic scanning the rack
Ninety nine percent of the range is all crap
Happy Birthday Dad, Worlds Best Mother
I Love You Sister, You're a Special Brother

No other bloody card with a cover for a lover
Plus I'm getting kinda stressed as I search for another
But this one struck me, it's pink and funky
With a cartoon print of a drunken monkey

There's a chance I'll make it, I'm nearly done
I hand him the coins and it's time to run
Now it's 5 minutes too and I'm nearly home
I feel a vibration and check my phone

The message reads, 'Honey, I'll be there shortly'
'I just got off the bus and I've started walking'
So like Kelly Holmes, I sprint the home straight
I rip my tracky-d's as I hurdle the gate

I crash through the door, I fall up the stairs
Looking like I've been in intensive care
The Biro's fucked, the pencil's broken
I grab a Magic Marker and write a token

Of my appreciation for her
And the things that make her so perfect
Shit, there's the bell
I seal the envelope it should all be swell

Look, here she is, my Kiera Knightly
She gives me a kiss and I hug her tightly
She asks why I've only shaved half my face
And sweating like I've just come first in some race

I got up extra early
To exercise and stretch my thighs
So I could see my special girly
She looks in my eyes and sees my lies

With a dubious face she accepts the card
She reads it, drops it and slaps me hard
I open it up and prepare for doom
The text in the card reads 'Get Wel